Releasing Fear
I just want to put this out there…
Since this whole lockdown thing in March started, I’ve come to a place of peace in a sense. I took the opportunity to take all the extra time (not really extra with 3 kids but…) to do some major self-reflection. I knew that I had past traumas to resolve and the only way I could go that deep within myself was to ‘disconnect’, so that I could ‘reconnect’.
It was an interesting journey to say the least, I discovered that certain events would just play on replay in my head, over and over. So much so, I would barely even notice it. Some of these events were seemingly meaningless, others not. Some of the damage I thought was irreversible.
The ultimate goal I had during this self-discovery journey was to rediscover out who ‘Mélanie’ was as a child, before society broke her…
I remember being told that the wisdom I had was deep for a child so young, many people would point it out and I never knew what it meant or what to do with it. All I knew is that I felt different and alone. This world never felt like home to me and of course, I was always a little bothered by that. Why was everyone so happy just going about life? So many just content, not even questioning their reality? I just couldn’t comprehend why I always felt so different. Always being told I was weird definitely supported my feelings of being somewhat alienated from this world.
To be honest, I’ve never quite felt at home during this lifetime. I remember looking up at the sky and feeling so close yet so far from home (and still do for that matter). The feeling is painful and blissful all at the sametime. Funny how I feel more ‘At Home’ looking up at the stars compared to when I look down here on earth, the place I’m supposed to call home… As a child, I knew I had a purpose, a reason for it all… there had to be right?
You know, I still look for that purpose knowing every step of my journey takes part in that purpose. But to see the bigger picture, what a great feeling that would be! Knowing that you’ll have value in the world… that you’ll make a change. Could you imagine the things you could accomplish?!
As I delved into facing my childhood memories, the first thing I noticed was a pattern. I was often told to shut up, be quiet, my voice was too squeaky, sounded like Minnie Mouse, was annoying or otherwise was just ignored when I spoke up. It really made me feel like I could never be me. Me was not good, me needed to be quiet and NOT share any thoughts I had…
This realization was huge for me and it made total sense! I always hold back my words! I almost feel as if there was some force trying to mold me to never share my knowledge (which I know can benefit many and I still hold back so much).
Back to present life…
So how I was able to delve so deep was by trying to find what I loved as a child and try it out again. I loved to paint, draw and create! Was often told it was a talent so great. So I grabbed a brush to see what I could create.
Grabbing that brush and getting the chance to create again has resulted in something much larger and grander than I ever thought. For it seems that as a result, a new person has emerged… One you didn’t know, just barely 3 months ago.
I’ve been reborn, I’m here to stay. My wings have grown but I won’t fly away. I will embrace this moment in time, the moment I get to meet and be this new me!
I’m not scared anymore.
View my latest artwork here: https://fineartamerica.com/profiles/melanie-edison?tab=artworkgalleries&affiliateId=A927755
