This is me…

As a person who practices reiki and promotes a natural living style, I’m often left feeling kind of like a traitor or a two-timer. I feel trapped in the middle of 2 conflicting methods and often feel I have to hide one side of me.

My reality is that I deal with mental illness, in fact I have my whole life. I have adhd, anxiety, ocd tendencies and am slightly agoraphobic. To be honest I am totally fine with all that and came to terms with my issues a long long time ago. But one thing that makes me feel bad sometimes is that I do, yes I do, take medication for my adhd. I’ve tried without many times and unfortunately I just can’t function. I become dead to the world, struggling my hardest just to get through the daily. I become a totally different person, I can’t cope, I am sad, have no energy and all in all just become a very dark minded individual. I just don’t feel like me. I reverse my bad thoughts as they come but it’s more powerful than me, it’s like I lose who I am, my inner self.

Now with my medication, I feel much better, am no longer lazy, my thoughts are positive and I finally get to feel what ‘normal’ really is. ‘Normal’ for me is HUGE, I remember when I first experienced ‘normal’ for the first time… it was the most amazing feeling ever! I didn’t know that some people could feel this amazing ‘normal’ feeling. I often spoke to them (whoever they were, coworkers, strangers, often friends) as they explained to me that they couldn’t understand how I felt whereas I, on the other hand, couldn’t understand how they felt. I saw it in others, I had a good idea of what it should feel like but had never felt that normal feeling myself. I even remember growing up as child telling my mom that I was not normal. 

When I started this blog, I was in a good mindset, in fact I was at one of the best places I had ever been. Then my life got thrown for a loop when surprise… I was suddenly expecting a third child. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I feared what would happen when I stopped my medication. But this time was different, this pregnancy, I had reiki, I had a good mindset, I had a plan! 

Well, that plan went down the drain pretty fast! Once I stopped the meds I was so debilitated that I couldn’t even drive myself to do even the most minimal ‘family’ tasks, perform reiki, think positively or even write any content for my blog (this is why my Twitter, Facebook and blog have been pretty much inactive since last summer). I couldn’t get off the couch for the life of me. I would sleep all the time and just wait for life and each day to pass by. Going out was also near impossible, I couldn’t handle the crowds.

Recently, I had my baby (she is awesome, a true blessing) and was finally able to get back on track (in other words, start my meds again). The very first day was the most glorious of all! I felt like I had energy, was able to focus and could see the good in things again. The difference is unexplainable. I can’t even find any words to describe it. 

So this is why I feel like a traitor, a two-tuner. Because many will oppose all chemicals and say that one does not need them and can heal on their own. I kind of agree with that, in the way that I think things like adhd and other mental illness can be caused by external influences, thus causing the problem in the first place.

I am not pro nor con on the subject of taking medication, even though I believe there are better ways to heal. I believe that each person knows their limitations and should be able to judge for themselves if they need it or not. I believe that it is no ones place to judge another for taking or not taking medication to manage mental illness among other things. For me, I know I need it. Maybe one day I will reach a level where I will no longer need to take anything but I am not there yet and that is okay. I know myself well enough.

I felt I needed to put this out there. I want to be real, I dont want to create a false image of myself and I want to be as transparent as possible with this website. Judge me if you want but this is who I am. 

This is me…